La cosa se pone oscura

Y no, no voy a hablar de la economía. Es que estos días ha salido el "nigga" que llevo dentro y he estado revisionando por un lado y descubriendo por otro una serie de vídeos de unos cuantos "maddafuckas" de los que me parto el pecho con ellos.

La primera tanda va dedicada a mi amigo Dave Chappelle. Tiene un montón de clasicazos pero uno de los que me llega a lo más hondo es el de "I'm Rick James, bitch!". Descojonante. Parece mentira que el negro embutido en los pantalones de cuero y la cara llena de silicona sea el tirillas precursor del "U can't touch this" de MC Hammer.



Pero no os perdáis los dos que vienen. La cosa va de música y muñequitos pero ojo lo que sueltan por sus boquitas. Y los niños al lado. I love America!



Sí, era una polla. Y ahora os prometo que sale un pussy:



¿No os decía? Un tío para no perderle la pista. ¡Bravo, Dave! You fuckin' darkness!

Para rebajar un poco el tono de este post vamos a pasar a continuación a algo más descafeinado. No es que sea peor que lo anterior es que salen negros y blancos y, claro, la cosa se diluye. Así es como un no hispanohablante nos oye a nosotros. Y mira que es fácil el español. Fuck it!



Volvamos al redil y saquemos el negro que todos llevamos dentro. Y eso se demuestra rapeando y hablando de lo que más nos gusta. ¿El qué? Eso es. Big butts are best. YEAH!



Y con su letra:


[Intro]
Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt.
It is so big. *scoff* She looks like,
one of those rap guys' girlfriends.
But, you know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff*
They only talk to her, because,
she looks like a total prostitute, 'kay?
I mean, her butt, is just so big.
I can't believe it's just so round, it's like,
out there, I mean - gross. Look!
She's just so ... black!

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like big butts and I can not lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung, wanna pull out your tough
'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed
Deep in the jeans she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't stop staring
Oh baby, I wanna get with you
And take your picture
My homeboys tried to warn me
But that butt you got makes me so horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin
You say you wanna get in my Benz?
Well, use me, use me
'Cause you ain't that average groupie
I've seen them dancin'
To hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' flat butts are the thing
Take the average black man and ask him that
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)
Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)
Shake that healthy butt!
Baby got back!

(LA face with Oakland booty)
Baby got back!

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
I like 'em round, and big
And when I'm throwin' a gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Playboy
'Cause silicone parts are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
Mix-a-Lot's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that bubble
So I'm lookin' at rock videos
Knock-kneeded bimbos walkin' like hoes
You can have them bimbos
I'll keep my women like Flo Jo
A word to the thick soul sisters, I wanna get with ya
I won't cuss or hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna *fuck*
Till the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of simps won't like this song
'Cause them punks like to hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause I'm long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!} Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna role in my Mercedes {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
Even white boys got to shout
Baby got back!

Baby got back!
Yeah, baby ... when it comes to females, Cosmo ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36-24-36? Ha ha, only if she's 5'3".

[Sir Mix-a-Lot]
So your girlfriend rolls a Honda, playin' workout tapes by Fonda
But Fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her Honda
My anaconda don't want none
Unless you've got buns, hun
You can do side bends or sit-ups,
But please don't lose that butt
Some brothers wanna play that "hard" role
And tell you that the butt ain't gold
So they toss it and leave it
And I pull up quick to retrieve it
So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that!
'Cause your waist is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines:
You ain't it, Miss Thing!
Give me a sister, I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her
Some knucklehead tried to dis
'Cause his girls are on my list
He had game but he chose to hit 'em
And I pull up quick to get wit 'em
So ladies, if the butt is round,
And you want a triple X throw down,
Dial 1-900-MIXALOT
And kick them nasty thoughts
Baby got back!

(Little in the middle but she got much back)

Que tampoco tiene desperdicio aunque se nota que fue rebajada de tono para que sonase en MTV que a fin de cuentas la música es un negocio. Y hablando de negocios aquí os dejo a la Malena Gracia noruega que como lo tiene todo muy bien puesto, aunque sea "à la Nip/Tuck", ningún nigga que se precie le dice que no a un merenguito de estos y menos aún vestidita en alguno de estos conjuntos:



Y ojo lo que dice (y admite) la niña:

Hello!
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok

I'm lazy, admit, work it's not for me
Busy doing nothing
I'm a beauty queen
I don't cook, I don't clean
They do it for me
I'm such a stupid girl
I keep my religion in a Gucci purse
Oh my god I just forgot the rest of this verse
Who cares? I never pass junior high
Was so hard
So what?

My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
And no matter what you say
I know they're ok
My boobs are ok!

Stupid, disturbed,
I ain't got a brain
So I never went to college
Couldn't find the way
I wished every tomorrow was a holiday
I'm such a crazy girl

Dumbass, they caught up can't you see?
My corpus size and I work in harmony
Just don't ask me about economy
I'm nescient for free

My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
And no matter what you say
I know they're ok
My boobs are ok!

To make a point, to make things fine
I ever groundman from my hands to my time
That's the beauty of the game
You gotta know the rules
If you wanna give up
You gotta play it cool
You're so cool!

Come on, girls!
Give me a Boo (Boo!)
Give me a b (B!)
Gime a s (s!)
Go Boobs!

Go Boobs!
Go Boobs!

My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
And no matter what you say
I know they're ok
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok

My Boobs, my boobs
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok
My Boobs, my boobs
My Boobs, my boobs
My boobs are ok

And no matter what you say
I know they're ok
My boobs are ok!

Sólo le falta decir que te la va a chupar. Sobre todo si tienes pasta, digo yo. Aunque si es tan tontita quién sabe. La única diferencia con respecto a una muñeca hinchable es que Lene se queja. Por lo demás, son iguales. Están hechas del mismo material. Que hoy en día hacen las muñecas muy bien. Pero que muy bien.

Y es que internet está hecha para el porno pero, ¿qué sucedería si internet fuera real? Quiero decir, si estuviese en la calle, si fuese 3D y se pudiese tocar, si pasearas por la calle y entraras literalmente en sus páginas y te golpeara el spam. De nuevo Dave nos trae la respuesta:



Lo dicho. No perdáis de vista a este tipo. Me siento imbuido por mis ancestros negros. ALRIIIIIIGHT!!!



F-F

TAGS: "Charlie Murphy", "Have sex with me, bitch!", "Unity", "One colour", "We're one but we're not the same", "I like to boogie", "Big butts are best", "Pero no le digas que no a un par de buenas tetas", "Superfreak", "Mueve tu cucu", "Un calentón de tres pares de cojones", "Alrite!".